I want to clarify that this blog is about my experience…I am not saying that I have done anything, especially parenting, alone. My husband is an amazing dad and has definitely been a partner, and I have relied on girlfriends, but I am focussing here on my journey.
I had the opportunity recently to join an online meeting to celebrate the retirement of someone I consider to be a mentor – to me and thousands of other parents in Muskoka. It was amazing to be asked to share some thoughts about the impact she had on my life.
Susan Biehn-Smith is a legend in Muskoka. Over the years, thousands of families have benefited from her vast knowledge, kindness and non-judgmental approach to parent education. For many of us, Susan introduced us to the concept of parent education.
I think most people would agree that parenting is one of the hardest jobs anyone will ever have. And yet most of us go into it assuming that the skills needed are innate; we will just naturally know what to do. I had never heard of parent education until that day Susan came into Magic Time Preschool and introduced me to both Muskoka Family Focus and Barbara Coloroso.
Like most parents, I had taken a prenatal course to learn about what to expect through the birthing process, but I had no idea there was any training after that. My parents never had any kind of training. My friends didn’t take any parenting classes. Parenting is just something that comes naturally, right? You just know the best way to handle any situation because you have been a kid and had a parent, right?
Well, let me tell you, that’s not how things worked out for me! I knew hitting wasn’t a good idea, but I was a yeller and I didn’t have a lot of other tools in my parenting toolbox. I loved each of my kids from the moment they were born. We got along really well most of the time, but when I got frustrated, I didn’t know what to do.
Added to that, when I looked around, everyone else seemed to have it together – and this was before social media; I can only imagine how that feels now!
Parent Education?
In Being a Mom, I described the first time I attended a parent education session hosted by Susan. Then and there I knew I needed more Susan in my life! I started attending the Muskoka Family Focus Drop-In where Susan worked and I registered for every parent ed class I could!
Over the years I came to realize how much information is out there and how many tools are available for parents – it really is just like any other job, there are ways to make it easier and more rewarding. I was so lucky to be able to work as a parent education facilitator and help other parents to find tools that worked for them; and now I get to organize workshops and support the wonderful people who are filling that role for Muskoka Family Focus today.
Lessons Learned
One of the most important things I learned in the workshops is that I was not alone! I was not the only person who loved my children with all my heart while at the same time thinking that I might like to give them away to the next person who came to the door if it meant a minute and a half to myself! I was not the only person who “lost it” sometimes and yelled at them for being kids, then felt incredibly guilty for doing that. I found it so liberating to know that those parents who looked like they ALWAYS had it all together, were sometimes just like me!
The second revolutionary concept for me was to “catch them being good”. I remember being shocked by the idea that I would interrupt quiet play to say “wow, I really love the way you are helping each other” or “look at how much fun you are having with that game”. Prior to hearing this, I would savour those moments and keep my fingers crossed that they lasted long enough for me to get some earth-shattering work done, like going to the bathroom alone or getting the dishes done. But that meant that the only time they were getting my attention was when things broke down so I was reinforcing the wrong behaviour.
I also learned to apply this philosophy to myself. At the end of the day, instead of lying in bed and thinking of the times that I messed up and used the “old” tools with my kids; the times when I lost my patience and yelled, or even just didn’t pay attention when I should have, I tried to think of a couple of good things that happened. I tried to “catch myself being good” so I could reinforce the behaviours I wanted to repeat.
I will be forever grateful to the experts who wrote the books and courses that helped me to find tools to encourage cooperation and raise confident, resilient children…and to people like Susan Biehn-Smith who made those concepts accessible to me and other parents.
When I was taking classes, I was learning from experts like Barbara Coloroso and Faber and Mazlish. In addition, today I would recommend Alyson Schafer and Triple P Parenting. There are parenting and Muskoka community resources on the Muskoka Family Focus website as well.
